Saturday, March 24, 2012

Past - The way it is..!!

Holding on to the past is like trying to breathe life into a dead body that has already breath its last. It's the pain to revive it even when you know that it's gone and now all that remain are memories of the times spent together. Curtains down, one act of the play is over. The stage is empty temporarily for new and existing characters to take on their role.

No one is singled out here. We've all had our share of losses but yet how we handle them is what defines the rest of the course of our life.

Not letting go of the past or inability to overcome the past is like being caught in the vortex of the time warp that holds you enmeshed within it but there is no way out unless you wanna remain in the black hole forever or you wanna make an endeavor to step out of it. Its been a year less than a decade since I lost my dad but the mere thought of him or any family moments of get togetherness or any cross roads brings back his flooding memories rife with pain insane. Life has moved on without him, I have changed but the girl child within me continues to hold on to her dad in her continuing life's journey; all this while being unsure if he is even there watching over. Such is the mayhem in my mind..!!

I know it's entrapment and I'm stuck; I'm inflicting pain on me, myself where I've reached a stage of being both the victim and the attacker. It is not voluntarily. Some incidents do happen in our lives where we hold onto the past instead of past holding onto us..!! Why? I am still seeking answers. Is there a way to quantify loss? NO. There isn't any. Can what's gone forever especially death ever come back? NO. Why then do we keep pinning for it that it will someday..?? Replaying his last day to which I was witness to over and over again is an act I've no control on. Was there anyway, I could change that fateful day to make him live a little longer all when he kept saying he wanted to live and there I was helpless unable to do anything. This has been the biggest failure of my life. Come what may, I cannot infuse life into my dad and bring him back. Yet, I feel trapped in this bondage. Why? I have no frigging clue..!!

Life showed me a different facet of life that I was oblivious to all along. What matters, what do not, how people change, how relations change, who sticks through, who understands, what really matters, all of it..!!

But, one thing is absolutely certain you can never completely overcome your past because it surmises the person you've transformed to be today. It is up to you to decide whether to keep the doors of your heart closed to it, live within the boundaries or remain stuck in it.

We can’t put the past on rewind, pause or forward for there are no buttons in life.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

When the past catches up with you...

After having seen a lot of ups and downs in my life with some unusually strange incidents; I had decided to burn all the bridges behind me after I had crossed them as I wanted to move on in life. Keeping the bridges alive felt like being chained to my past. I did not want my past to make me a bitter person. With great difficulty and after a lot of sheer conviction; I took the final call and moved on in life. Sieving the good memories from the chaffed ones brought in freedom from pain and this helped me a lot.

Life has been a roller coaster ride and that too a fast paced one off lately but with every passing moment, I am learning the meaning of the finer nuances of life. Earlier, I used to shudder confusing every tiny part to be the whole but not anymore (Half knowledge can be deadly!!). Maybe, that's the role TIME plays in our lives. It brings in with it maturity and an entirely different approach towards life. A recent conversation with a close one sprung back a piece of my past unknown to me. Having burned the bridges; I did not know how to handle this piece of reality. It started with a nudge and I did not realize how soon it had snow balled enough to have my complete attention to it. Unknowingly, I had given it the power to control me which further impacted my once stable life. Whether I wanted it or not, this new piece of information from my past had clung onto me like leech. Memories of past resurfaced and reeled before me making me feel very low and reminiscing me of incidents slain. What was the point then in burning the bridges behind if the connection still persisted..?? Since it belonged to my past there was nothing I could do to undo it. It was just that I was ignorant about it and yes it did feel blissful to have been ignorant so long. If I had known it back then; maybe I would be on different course of life altogether but destiny had something else destined for me. If this piece of information has been unveiled to me now; maybe I am ripe enough today to deal with it - not immediately but certainly in due course of time.

It took me long to realize that though I had moved on, few incidents from the past have left indelible emotional scars in me and that these scars might never heal. Come what may..!!

Next time, you see your past catching up with you, know that it is only because you're ripe for same..!!