Saturday, December 25, 2010

Life is calling...

I look to the sky, a cloudless sway,
put a conch to my ear, a silent sea,
strange is life, stranger are its ways...
an empty path ahead, that connects to me.

I too, like most of you started my life with a belief and a dream. En route, my journey, I went through a lot. Love, friendship, betrayal, politics, responsibilities, work, success, failure, accidents, happiness, contentment. During the bright phases, I felt on top of the world having made a niche of my own at a young age, being able to weather all storms and provide my family all that I wanted to and living my life to the fullest. The only thing I firmly adhered to was to not let this success hit my head and I clung to the roots, my parents and Alma Mater inculcated in me. During the dark phases that have been more oft and back to back; I felt as if I was being sucked into an endless black hole thinking that I would end. When people whom I thought were mine did not stand by me during my crisis; I felt shattered but each time during every such sojourn, I have had someone who has stepped in my life out of nowhere, connected with me, held me and helped me come out and move on. I call each one of these as "travelers" in my life for they expect nothing in return and move on when they have done their deed leaving us to carry on the same deed. Had it not been for them and my sheer spirit to bounce back, I would have been history today. It's not them alone and it's not my spirit alone, it's both. As it's said, it takes "two to tango!".

I am not the lone one to have been through this very journey. We all do. I have understood this but how many of you do? Learn to acknowledge these travelers and let them lead when you can't think for yourself. They indeed are messiahs in disguise. Don't get into a shell, reach out and you will be reached.

What I have learnt is that what makes a difference is you n' you alone! If you have a belief in yourself that is staunch and unrivalled; be it a blue sky or a gray sky, you will know... they all pass for they have to! It's just a matter of time. If a beating is what it takes to bring out the best you then let the world dole out its absolute worst for you have it in you to take it.

Life does not come without a price; there is hurt, pain and sacrifice which only make us grow stronger over time, success which does not come without blood and sweat, ability to "Move On" which is impossible without a determination, happiness which cannot be felt without connecting to the little joys that Mother Nature has laid for us, the list would go on...This is the very elm of our life!

Do not get attuned to the same way the society is programmed if you want to be whom you want to be. STOP. PAUSE. THINK. ACT. Trust me, we all are as FREE as much as we believe and want to be and then there are these travelers in our life to make all the difference!!

Life is calling...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Road to Perdition or Santiago..??

Three decades of journey and a gritty girl who would make any one say "yes" when they want to say "no", who lived for she believed in fulfilling her dreams, who was terrified within but way too courageous outside, who could take on every strife in life head on has been transformed into being an unusually silent reticent self, who refuses to dream, who does not express emotions in gestures, who does not trust anyone anymore, whose tired eyes are void and filled with pain and who is desperately seeking her calling..!!

She isn't the lone person in the world to have undergone this transformation. We all do. Some show, some conceal, some ignore, some accept and move on. But look around and you will see the same bitterness and emptiness in all kinds of people. Ask anyone, "How are you?", the answer would be "I am fine.", why is it not that "I am happy"? If you insist and ask again,"Are you happy?", the answer would be "I guess I am or I do not know or I have it all but something is missing...".

Why has the world become so materialistic, farce, superficial and mean? Whatever happened to the simple life that our grand parents lived? Why is reality so difficult to adjust and accept? Why has simplicity receeded to being a R.I.P? It's a vicious rigmarole with no way out akin to the chakra that Abhimanyu could get into but not get out of!!

It's said, things happen when you are ripe for them to happen. If we observe closely, nature has its own way of showing signs and taking you through it. Either I am not ripe as yet or I am unable to read the signs but all I know is that it is high time I become the real me once again and identify my calling else I am certainly enroute to perdition. If taking the road to Santiago is the only way to discover myself, I shall walk that path.

Life is calling... I got to be there!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

Dealing with Past..!!

We live in a world in which we're forever juggling demands, but rarely focusing on any one thing for long. Yet, in this very demanding world, very often we come face to face with our past, we find ourselves incapable of overcoming it, leave alone managing to deal with it.

Aaaahh... the quintessential PAST!
We are rarely able to overcome our past no matter how much you try. You either get engulfed in it's emotions or try to ignore by putting it behind you (albeit unsuccessfully!) or casting aside. To keep oneself in the present is a huge challenge and should be undertaken. Of course, the success of such an undertaking is not really guaranteed. Nevertheless, it's a sure step ahead then being lost, rooted and left behind.

Mood swings is a totally different beast altogether. My friend mentioned about having read the works of a few people who suffer from extreme depression and mood swings but are also reasonably intelligent to think about their illness being aware about it in their split conscious phase. I could very well ingest the depth of what he was referring to for I happen to fall in the same calibre.

Over the last few years, I have firmly accepted the fact that I am prone to mood swings and depression. I make it a point to mask myself at work so that it doesn't affect my work responsibilities and deliverables. It is indeed striking to observe the fact that inspite of having this weakness; I have carved a niche for myself when it comes to my career taking some real high risks and reaping through it. My career highlights have occurred in this very span of time. Basically, I have been able to be my productive best when I have chosen to!

The reason why I am sharing this with you all is that we all go through this phase but it is how we choose to deal with it that decides the road ahead for us. There are many people out there going through the same grind. Falling into a dark and bottomless pit is much easily tolerated when you know there are others who suffer the same fate.

Accepting is the first BIG step. Absorbed attention — the capacity to delay other gratifications to focus on one goal at a time — is the mantra of achieving and sustaining anything. By being aware of my inclination to overuse a strength — by recognizing my own vulnerability — I was able to make a different choice. So will you..!!

Zendagi Migzara...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Seasons n' Life..!!

It is November and the rains continue to pour in Bombay ever since the onset of the rainy season in June. In the last three decades of my life, I have never seen this happen. Not having had to go through the October heat has been a definite blessing in disguise. The weather is so pleasant, the smell of wet earth, thrilling and the eerie calmness, exciting; words fall short while expressing this splendour of Mother Nature. I can't say this for others but I certainly feel intoxicated with life when I am enveloped in an atmosphere as such! It brings out the child-woman within me who breaks herself free of all worldy bonds and feels one with herself.

If only, we all could live life so peacefully without having to be tied down with materialism, relationships and other worldy sighs. As Ayn Rand, rightfully questioned "So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?". I am not too sure if there are any real answers to same. Spirituality might come close to throwing some light on it but that is about it. Yet, how many amongst us would stop to ponder about it? We all run behind making money for time is all we have and time means money. Relations are no longer intense, they have become superficial and insignificant. Emotions are farce. Jumping to conclusions at the drop of a hat and taking random decisions have become the order of the day. To sum it all up; it is no longer about being real; it is more about being a survivor. I belong to the latter!

Seasons come and go but emotional upheavals seem to have become a part of my life. There are nights when sleep evades me and darkness engulfs my mind in a myriad of emotions, and then there are days when I wake up either with a strong will determined to make the most of the day and live my life to the fullest or numbed having been paralyzed with grief over the happenings around and the regret to cry. After having had a real intense life in the past; it is kind of real difficult to say that it has not affected me. It certainly has but it is time for me to "Get Up" n' "Move On..!!", once again in life, pulling up my guard and holding experience as my armour.

With a clean swipe of all the fate lines in the palm of my left hand in a freaky accident very recently; I am all set to make my own destiny this time around! It would be a rare few who would have got an opportunity as such and I having recognized it will not let this one pass. I have now learnt to value myself, which means: I will fight to seek my own realm.

I am leaving here with my favorite quote from Robert Frost, "The woods are dark and lovely and deep; I have miles to go before I sleep and miles to go before I sleep..."

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Peace Unknown

During my stint at Nimbus Communications Ltd., we had 6 months of season and 6 months of off season. Just before the onset of our season for 2010; my office colleagues & I decided to take a break from work and head to Mudis-Allepey-Cochin for 4D/4N trip to recharge ourselves.

I was overtly enthusiastic about the trip as finally I was taking a break from work and all the chaotic life around me. I desperately wanted to be myself. We were told there was no network connectivity till we reach Cochin which we would reach only on the last day. This to me meant absolute bliss. I had yearned for this and finally I was seeing this wish of mine fulfilled.

We reached Mudis on the first night. The journey was in the wilderness in the dark night with animals moving around. We were kicked about initially but then slowly we started having short naps. We reached the guest house late midnight; our short power naps had recharged us and we freshened up to chat throughout the night with energizers at room temperature for company. We slept at the onset of dawn for an hour or two and set out to sight seeing. Mudis is small town miles away from Coimbatore. It is filled with tea plantations and endowed with nature's blessings. A rarity in Bombay!! We went to all the places worth sight seeing and came back to our guest house to change. We were heading to a water body (more like a river). I have had stressful and crisis filled months in the last decade. We didn't even know the name of the place as I said earlier it was in wilderness; we were just aware about it's location. Little did I know what was in store for me there!!

Though I am a person who madly loves waters and sunsets; I had never immersed myself completely in water ever. It was the first time for me. My colleagues forced me into it. The place was awesome. I was capturing all the scenic imprints in my mind to re-visit them later. I did not know swimming but it did not matter. To me the place was calling!! My heart drew me towards it. Gradually, one by one, we started stepping into the water. It was thrilling with all of us splashing the clear water on each other and losing balance on the rocks and getting fully drenched in water. Once this happened there was no looking back. Holding hands we waded into deep waters. There when we immersed fully into the water and opened our eyes within, we saw that the water was a beautiful sea green. We did this quite a lot of times just to lose out ourselves to Mother Nature. Leaving the rest to themselves, I set on my own. I came across few rocks on which you could lie flat but angled and let the water hit your head from a higher slant level and then pass all over through your body. The force of the water gushing through my head, closing in on my ears blocking it, moved me into a trance filled world transcending between time and space with my body almost floating. Here nothing mattered except the feeling that I was one with myself and life seemed serene and blissful. Acintya Bheda, Abheda Tatva!! This is one experience which cannot be explained in words. It was like sensing a "peace unknown". All of my worries vanished, my life reeled before me, my problems seemed non-existent and I felt re-energized wholly. I lay like this for quite sometime little knowing how fast the clock was ticking! I drifted into a short nap that was a tension-free deep one depraved of all worldly concerns. We were in the waters for 4+ hours and we all felt alike. Wish we could stay longer but alas! we couldn't as we had to move on. The time spent in the waters and the wonderful experience that we had could not be reprised anywhere on Mother Earth!!

The next day was spent in a house boat in the back waters of Allepey. The backwaters were lovely but I was in trance from the previous day's experience. I kept living in those moments; I still do. I will never be able to overcome the wonderful time in Mudis. From Allepey, we went to Cochin which was like any other city in India. Returning back to the concrete jungle of Bombay from there made me see the sharp contrast of life in its full demeanour. Life here indeed is in fetters and like how Darwin said it, it is only the "Survival of the fittest" out here unlike in the waters at Mudis where life felt like life..!!

Zendagi Migzara...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Born Again...

I looked at world through glass,
watching its people pass,
I thought nobody would touch me,
that I'm safe
but the world blew cold, in the depths of my soul,
the deed was done, it was too late,
menacingly ruthless souls walked all over me,
crushing past me as if I am a nobody nowhere!!

It was twilight when I opened my eyes. I don't know how
many hours, I had been unconscious, how many days had
passed into oblivion? It had been my decision to do it
and I went ahead doing it.

Slowly I woke upto the realization that I was all wired
and tubed with needles poking inside me. I first saw my mom
and she appeared completely distraught!! Inspite of the
pain in her heart, she was happy I had survived, next
was my bro' who seemed as much concerned and there were
a team of doctors and nurses. I just photographed this
scene and committed it to my memory. Nothing else made
sense to me. My head was heavy with abstract collages
running in my mind. Simply put, I did'nt know whether I
was coming or going!!

I paused my mind for long to clear the clutter.
Gradually pieces fell in place. People whom I thought
would never hurt me had made me a wreck and had caused
me & my family to see such a day. Cold minded shrewd

people had exploited my weakness and hurt me where it
hurt the most. The damage was heavy for they had mixed
their professional and personal life and somehow pulled
me into this vortex. I was clouded in the ambivalence of
the unknowns.

My recovery happened in small baby steps
as I was filled with tropes of emptiness. I did a lot of
thinking in the recovery period. It was deliberate. I
had to sift the good from the bad. I was facing
adversity and as they say "Adversity is the acid test of
any relation", such was my case too. As I seived, I was
left with a handful of people who stood by me through my
crisis; giving me all of their strength and support. Had
it not been due to my family and these friends; I would

have not been alive today. I had made up mind to give
time, time to heal my wounds.

Slowly, as I found my
grounds; I also found my spirit back.
Now, wasn't the time to muse over the past or chase
vacant pursuits. I had to fight all the evils and demons
of my mind to steer my life in the right direction. I
had to rise like a phoneix from my own ash fill and
that's just what I did! That was the least I could do
for my loved ones. I made my mom & bro, my raison d'etre
and took control of my life. I flushed all the unwanted
people and incidents from my mind and instantly felt
lighter. I decided the path, I had to tread ahead and
found the road that connected to me.

Thus, having learnt all my lessons,
I...S T A R T E D...M Y...

L I F E...A G A I N.

Zendagi Migzara...

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Abheda Tattva

I feel immensely challenged especially when trying to figure out what exactly is it that my unquiet mind wants to zero in on but the debilitating effects of prodding a hyper active mind can be catastrophic. When shackles of loneliness contrive to trap the free spirit, perennial friction is bound to ensue.

There are moments when I feel my "Life is calling..." and then there are moments when I feel an unbelievable sense of emptiness and a daunting feeling of being completely overwhelmed. It's like oscillating between the zenith and nadir and yet not finding stable grounds anywhere.

I have realised that priorities in life change when dreams pave way to the harsh realities of reasons of living and get wiped out of existence in the melee of survival. My priorities? Well, they too disappeared when I chose to live the life of a struggler trying to make both ends meet. Do I regret? Yes and No. Yes, because I killed the creative instincts in me and the dearth of it today makes me feel, I should have nurtured it. No because I have been able to provide it all for my family and I have been able to pull them out of every crisis that befell on us. Today, my family is my strength and raison d' etre.

Hurt is maximized when it is caused due to the action or inaction of a loved one. Every time that my heart has been hurt, I have witnessed myriad of emotions surfacing within me defeating me physically, emotionally and psychologically, I now believe hurt and sadness are like fire, you only feel it if you continue to hold it close. Once you learn to let go of it and walk away from it, the pain eventually fades away and the wounds heal with time. But, if you don't, it will sure consume you one day!

It took me three long decades to actually cultivate the emotion of "moving on!". During this final awakening, I made the decision to reclaim complete responsibility for my life. And I did.

I decided then...
>> I had to let the hurt go, and
>> it was time for me to move on, and
>> no man was worthy of the loyalty and sorrow I was feeling, and
>> I am worth much more than anything else, and
>> I had to believe in myself

The pursuit of dwelling deep from the platitude to the unknowns is a journey that we all undertake in our lifetime. Its just that the magnitude and what we imbue from such an experience that varies and seperates each one of us. Such an experience is called as "Acintya Bheda, Abheda Tattva".

Zendagi Migzara...