Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Stranger in an Unknown City - Part II

As much as I did not want to I had to pick my bags again to relocate to a new abode; I had to do it. Work affairs..!! The only thing that excited me was that I was to go through the phase of being a stranger in an unknown city who did not know what was to unfold before her and for the fact that I could explore newer horizons.

When I landed in this city, the first thing I did was inhale the air and let it sensitize me. I emptied my mind to make room for the new thoughts and feelings. I felt good then..!!

I had to rush through the first few days as I had to find an accommodation, fix a convenient route to office, arrange for my meals and step up to speed at work. None of my so called friends and colleagues offered to guide me through let alone help inspite of an earnest request. The first dent was indented with the people mentalities here..!! Is it so difficult to offer help to someone in distress..??!! To add to it, there was the daily dose of power cuts for close to 4-5 hours and the killer heat outside. It drove me mad. Eventually, I acclimatized myself to it and did not let that deter me. I ensured that I made time in the weekends to just walk endlessly on unknown roads, explore and figure my way back. The topology here is too complex and it was always a challenge for me. The only saving grace was I spoke broken local language and that helped me salvage. I always strike little conversations with people I come across be it the auto rickshaw driver or the store manager or the chaat wala or the caretaker. Overtime, I realized these were all that I enjoyed. As days passed by, the concrete jungle and work pressure got to me and gradually I saw myself transforming to  a moron robot - work to room and back and so on. Much as I did not want it to happen, it was happening..!! Imperceptibly, I started missing my family too much for want of humane touch and connect. 

Surprisingly, I found the nature too still here so much that its stillness disturbed me within. I could not connect with it. This dealt another blow. I feel uneasy when I am unable to connect with nature and I could not here. Why, I had no answers..!! 

Gradually, I confined myself in my room to the company of music and books, refusing to step out unless absolutely necessary.  The all round aloofness around me and depressing atmosphere at work stifled me. There were nights when the shackles of loneliness got the better of me and I used to just curl myself and cry my heart out not knowing when I fell asleep. I let this continue till my endurance levels reached a snapping point and I finally made a decision to pack my bags once again and return home - to the place of my belonging. An ordeal of this depth in life was not worth it is was what I told my inner-self and my healing began.

Zendagi Migzara... 

Sunday, January 17, 2016

An End, A Beginning...

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T. S. Eliot

The elements that had given shape to my life and to which I had committed my all seem insignificant now. Everything around appears so fragile including relationships. Things change, people leave. With the passage of time everything that made sense in the past seem derisory in their present form. Life's contrariness beguiles me.

As I attempt to make sense in repose, the only thing that strikes me is that there is something wrong with reality. Is this an irreversible phenomenon? 

Today, I have reached a point where I question everything. I seek answers and I seek them aggressively. Eventually, life has to make sense. Things have to fall in place. That's what I am told..!! I definitely cannot reach the end of my existential rope in this note without knowing the calling of my life. But, to do so, the only recourse I feel is to make an end to spur a new beginning where I explore the limits of my former self and worldview as an observer, a learner and step into a whole new world order that will connect the dots.

An End, A Beginning... 

Sunday, May 3, 2015

Persistence pays off, Resilience tides through..!!

My little brother met was on his way to work when he met with a a major road accident in 2007. He wasn't at fault. He had to undergo 9 major operations and lived in the hospital for over a year. His entire life flew off the handle with the severe damage to his leg, his mental trauma and agony of his girl friend ditching him and a bleak future that appeared like a horizon. In adversity aka tragedy, he realized whom he could count on in life. Learning for him but what sense of timing, eh..??!!

This was just one part. It is rightly said when there is a hospital emergency in the house, it is the family that suffers most. Relentless efforts by my aged mom and me helped salvage the situation. The outflow for his recovery and recuperation was so much that one point, I, thought  I was alive and earning only to foot the hospital bills. To say our emotional life was chaotic would be a classic understatement.

Through the endless dark hours, we were...
awed, stricken, diffident n' disdained
every emotion within us had been raked!

On a parallel side, we caught the culprit driver who caused the mishap that shattered 3 lives together. He was beaten up badly by the public and then handed him over to the police. We lodged the Complaint immediately post accident in 2007. We did everything we could to build a strong case and eventually we won it in our favor after 7 years of seemingly endless struggle and battle. The settlement is sizeable enough to secure my brother for the next decade compensating for all the loss of income he went through in the interim. In the wake of all the flak the judicial system is going through; I would say, Persistence and resilience pay off and not all is lost in our judiciary system as yet. If you don't give up; they do give in..!! You can trust and keep your hopes alive; if you adopt a "Never give up stance for what is right and rightfully yours"; you will get what you truly deserve.

I would like to sum this journey as...
In the depth of silence, I found the key
resilience, it shall be till eternity!

Saturday, April 11, 2015

Is this how it should be..??

What kind of ecosystem are we living in today? 

Everything is so superficial and artificial.The world is rife with rules of the jungle. We spend millions of dollars trying to find out life in another planet and we spend two times the amount killing life on this planet. What are we trying to prove?

Relations are formed with the blink of eye and called off within nanoseconds of dissent. Huh..?? It is not just about man and woman relations, it's about all of them - Parents, Siblings, Relative, Friends, everything.

The zooming technology that has wrapped us in it's little finger is making life insane. Sanity has been redefined or best omitted. Reality-checks have taken flight to John Galt's world.

Peer pressures. People pressures. Society pressures. Status pressures. 
Pressures to keep up with anything and everything that is launched on a daily basis, now. Pressures for not getting enough likes in FB or Twitter is a big sore. What in the hell is this? The Technology which brought us all close in its inception has now become the devil by killing the human touch. We dont talk anymore; we chat, sms, Hangout, FB, BB, Instagram, Tweet and do all the things that today's technical world demands (It's an the endless list). All of this even when we are confined in the warmth of our home and are with family.

Is this how it should be..??

I miss those days of carefree innocence where "eenie meenie mo" always gave the right answers to anything and everything in life. It is the growth and all that came bundled in that ushered in this chaos.

I have lost 3 off my besties to this mayhem and so the wound is ripe. I don't want them retreating ever. Today, to me they just appear as travellers in life. We met, we bonded for decades together and then we parted. Just a couple more besties left. I hope they remain with me for the rest of my life. 

All I would like to say is - Never compromise who you are, your beliefs, and your morals, just to appease to someone else. We are who we are because of the walk that we had. No one understands that better than you for it is you survived it all. When you stay close to nature, to its simplicity, to the small things hardly noticeable, you seek inexplicable joy and happiness from somewhere you never expected. Here's where the real world is! --- Rest everything, nah..!!

Zendagi Migzara...

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Uprooting, Settling n' Uprooting Again...

For the first time in my life; I uprooted myself from my homeground of 3+ decades and moved to another city to pursue work opportunity. Little did I know that my lifespan was only of 5 months in this unknown city.

Uprooting myself for the first time was an experience in itself juxtaposed with so many cluttered thoughts that I had to sieve them all to reach its simplicity base. Once, clear, I packed up and moved on and did not look back. It did not end there. The spirit of my homeground had accompanied me. Everywhere there in the unknown city, I looked for a spirit or shade of my home ground but found none. The city had a mind and code of its own and was unwelcoming in every aspect. Nature always conspired to give me signals that I "UnBelonged" here. I acknowledged them, time to time but I did not want to give-in before I gave my whole to it. 

I paused my personal expectations from this place. Emotions locked; I nose dived at work from day one as I had taken my decision to give it my best. This is one city that dates back by an eon as compared to rest of India in terms of technology. What appaled me most was the insensitivity, listlessness and lethargy of my colleagues at work. No amount of motivation could get them to step up and perform. they were comfortable being couch potatoes. Their lassitude continued to pose as a challenge which I battled hard, on day on day basis. You can only help people who are willing to help themselves and then you got to leave them on their own. To add to it, the red tapes of working in a larger than life umbrella group was maddening. It was sheer crab mentality. Instead of helping me in my unflinching endeavors to reach new heights, boost performance; they excelled in killing initiatives and projects by raising endless objections instead of coming up with workable solutions. "The Laws of the land have changed for the month of October" is one googly that a Senior Management colleague threw on me. Must say, they were foolish enough to think, this would fly with me and that I would buy this crap. This was the state of affairs in that corporate.  
End Result - The corporate ended up cannibalizing their own returns.

After being on a relentless pursuit single handedly since the onset; I reached my snapping point. I was spent. 

Few days of deep, rational, logical thinking and, yet, another firm decision later, I was packing my bags once again, to uproot myself and return to my family. Back to my roots. Oh! What a sense of relief and peace. Words fail to express the exalt of this homecoming of mine.

Home is truly where your heart is, in the midst of your family. Mine is in Bombay. 

Salaam Bombay..!!P.S. My respect for all those friends of mine who literally live in their bags has grown manifold.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Stranger in an Unknown City - Part I

I always longed to know and feel how it felt like to be a stranger in an unknown city. My wish was granted when I got an opportunity that forced me to relocate to a city, I had never visited before.

But what unfolded was totally unexpected..!! 

Having been bred in a city that is a destination dream for millions of people; the city had given me a lot. I believe somewhere during my lifetime, the city became a part of me; something that I never realized before. Stark realization, must say..!! 

The pangs crept in when I had to pack and had to decide what I would take with me and what I would leave behind while moving to my new place of abode. Suddenly, I found myself caught in the midst of nowhere. In the last few years, I had moments where I thought, I was done to death with this city and had nothing left but this was not how I felt now..!! After endless conversations with my inner self; I realized it was only memories that I could take with me and nothing else. What the city had was intangible; its spirit could not be captured in anything. This moment of truth was hard for me..!!

Just before I could board my flight; the time on my watch stopped. It was uncanny; it stunned me. I believe Mother Nature had started showing me signs and this was just the beginning. The city wasn't leaving me and I did not want to leave it, too, yet I had to. I moved on. Bottling my emotions within me, I opened my arms to the city that was unknown to me. I decided to give time, time to show a clearer picture to me. I was anonymous here. I knew no one here and nobody here knew me. The comfort of anonymity felt nice for a while. I wandered on and on. I explored places like never before. While I was doing this, I was alerted by the signs nature consipred for me.Every sign led to just one conclusion. "I did not belong here." May be it was all in my thoughts, may be it wasn't..!! In return to the open arms that I had extended to this city; I did not get any embrace. Everything around here feels strange. People are weird; their attitude, weirder. Their value system and mindsets go back by eons. It eventually comes across as a "Outsiders not welcome here" kind of city. I feel lonely even when I am in a crowd and this loneliness is of a different nature. It can't be expressed in words. Every passing moment, I experience the feeling of being "UnBelonged" here.

I am done with experiencing what it feels like being a Stranger in an Unknown City. Now, I long to return to my home in the city of my calling. When this will happen, I do not know but I will put in my all and not stop till I am in my own nest experiencing the feeling of being belonged, once again..!!

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Forced to rethink..!!

Life has been a blend of the good and bad. 

I let the events in my life shape me which I shouldn't have allowed in the first place. My life began and ended with the responsibilities life bestowed on me. I don't know when making both the ends meet and keeping everyone around me happy became the sole purpose of my life. I valued certain relations far more than they deserved to such an extent that I did not value my own existence. I am not an anti social person but somewhere when the tide turned tough, I found respite in the confines of solitude. I don't exactly remember when and how I had become an observer outside my core and watched life pass by. Had it not been for a recent spate of incidents that shook me vigorously and forced me to rethink on all aspects of my life, I would have continued remaining an empty and hollow person that I had turned out to be. 

Sometimes I guess you only have to take a step back and realize what's important in your life, what you can live with but more importantly, what you can't live without. Now that I have decided to get the bearings of my life back, I fervently hope I get it right this time..!!

Zendagi Migzara...