Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Stranger in an Unknown City - Part II

As much as I did not want to I had to pick my bags again to relocate to a new abode; I had to do it. Work affairs..!! The only thing that excited me was that I was to go through the phase of being a stranger in an unknown city who did not know what was to unfold before her and for the fact that I could explore newer horizons.

When I landed in this city, the first thing I did was inhale the air and let it sensitize me. I emptied my mind to make room for the new thoughts and feelings. I felt good then..!!

I had to rush through the first few days as I had to find an accommodation, fix a convenient route to office, arrange for my meals and step up to speed at work. None of my so called friends and colleagues offered to guide me through let alone help inspite of an earnest request. The first dent was indented with the people mentalities here..!! Is it so difficult to offer help to someone in distress..??!! To add to it, there was the daily dose of power cuts for close to 4-5 hours and the killer heat outside. It drove me mad. Eventually, I acclimatized myself to it and did not let that deter me. I ensured that I made time in the weekends to just walk endlessly on unknown roads, explore and figure my way back. The topology here is too complex and it was always a challenge for me. The only saving grace was I spoke broken local language and that helped me salvage. I always strike little conversations with people I come across be it the auto rickshaw driver or the store manager or the chaat wala or the caretaker. Overtime, I realized these were all that I enjoyed. As days passed by, the concrete jungle and work pressure got to me and gradually I saw myself transforming to  a moron robot - work to room and back and so on. Much as I did not want it to happen, it was happening..!! Imperceptibly, I started missing my family too much for want of humane touch and connect. 

Surprisingly, I found the nature too still here so much that its stillness disturbed me within. I could not connect with it. This dealt another blow. I feel uneasy when I am unable to connect with nature and I could not here. Why, I had no answers..!! 

Gradually, I confined myself in my room to the company of music and books, refusing to step out unless absolutely necessary.  The all round aloofness around me and depressing atmosphere at work stifled me. There were nights when the shackles of loneliness got the better of me and I used to just curl myself and cry my heart out not knowing when I fell asleep. I let this continue till my endurance levels reached a snapping point and I finally made a decision to pack my bags once again and return home - to the place of my belonging. An ordeal of this depth in life was not worth it is was what I told my inner-self and my healing began.

Zendagi Migzara... 


Sunday, January 17, 2016

An End, A Beginning...

"What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from." - T. S. Eliot

The elements that had given shape to my life and to which I had committed my all seem insignificant now. Everything around appears so fragile including relationships. Things change, people leave. With the passage of time everything that made sense in the past seem derisory in their present form. Life's contrariness beguiles me.

As I attempt to make sense in repose, the only thing that strikes me is that there is something wrong with reality. Is this an irreversible phenomenon? 

Today, I have reached a point where I question everything. I seek answers and I seek them aggressively. Eventually, life has to make sense. Things have to fall in place. That's what I am told..!! I definitely cannot reach the end of my existential rope in this note without knowing the calling of my life. But, to do so, the only recourse I feel is to make an end to spur a new beginning where I explore the limits of my former self and worldview as an observer, a learner and step into a whole new world order that will connect the dots.

An End, A Beginning...