Heck, three decades of life's journey and I didn't know whether I was coming or going..!!
Seen it all... my dad's death right before my eyes, my marriage falling apart in 3 hours (I used to think it only happened in Hollywood..!!), disconnect within family, career swinging uphill and downhill, ghastly accident, financial crisis, betrayal in love, friends who were not really friends, solitude, depression... the list would go on n' on. Hell, I even attempted suicides when I couldn't take it in anymore but I survived. What did I learn from it..?? I was destined to live.
Deep in the rampant carnage of what was left of my so-called "life" that was disintegrating me rapidly, I realized, I had to pause and make sense out of it as it was me and me alone who could get the handle on my life again. Death is an obvious, why then was I running towards it when it was running away from me? Whatever had to happen had happened and it was over. Why then was I not getting over with it? I stepped back and looked around and I saw that I wasn't the lone one going through such a life; some were worser, some better but it was more or less the same everywhere. I started observing, listening, reading, thinking and analyzing more carefully and cautiously. I, also, started sharing with few people who I thought I could strongly connect with. This helped as I gradually stepped out of my shell taking baby steps at a time and started seeing the irony of the situation. It actually wasn't as bad as I used to think it was. Agreed, it's been an experience indeed but I was also evolving with every trying situation with my immunity to handle crisis increasing. I was emerging out stronger as an individual.
One thing came out crystal clear - I had this inherent power within me to bounce back in life. Having realized this, I decided to use this very fact as my base premise and give myself a new lease.
I started writing oft and having written what was running through my mind, I felt a lot lighter within. Out of nowhere strangers from remote parts of world started connected with me through my blogs. WOW... the power and reach of www!! Each had a story of their own to share and it was interesting just getting to know their journey of life. It did not happen overnight, it took me real long and called for a lot of debilitation but I feel it was worth it. I now see myself with a lot more clarity and I have started dealing with situations in a very detached manner making conscious decisions. It was my emotional vulnerability that had caused me my wreckage and my denial to accept reality in the face of it that had complexed my life further. I learnt to shield myself instead of yielding.
A friend of mine gave me this piece of advice which worked MAGICAL for me - It's only a choice to EXPERIENCE all of it and then DECIDE what your life is about. To do this, all you need is to know who you are and the ONLY way to find that out is by living life in time. (I can't THANK you enough...Radhi!!)
While I was trying to grasp the essence and depth of it, I finally heard this voice inside me that said ~
"You'll seek what you want, if you choose to..."
I have now made it my goal to understand life beyond everything else. So long as I am alive, I am going to make the journey worthwhile for me.
As Thomas Kinkade eloquently said, "When we learn to say a deep, passionate yes to the things that really matter, then peace begins to settle onto our lives like golden sunlight sifting to a forest floor."
"Waqt naa yeh rukhta hain, aaj tu jashn mana le..."
P.S: Thanks Vishal, Dilip, Kavita, Bernie, Abhishek!!
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